Jokes in English

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All your questions about the English language, no French allowed.

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Jokes in English
Message de lili24771 posté le 13-08-2006 à 11:44:19 (S | E | F | I)
Hi everybody!
Just a funny way to perfect our English!

The barbecue outside
It is the only cooking which a "true" man will make.
When a man goes volunteer to make this type of cooking, the chain of the following events is then :
1. The woman goes to the grocer's .
2. The woman prepares the salad, the vegetables and the dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for the cooking, the place on the tray with the necessary utensils and brings them to the man who is near the barbecue taking a beer.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman is inside going to put the table and verify the cooking of vegetables.
6. The woman returns outside to say to her husband that the meat is burning.
7. The man removes the meat off the grill and brings it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares plates and brings them on the table.
9. After the meal, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The man asks the woman if she appreciated not to cook.
And in front of her annoyed air, he concludes that women are never satisfied.
~~In your keyboards~~!It's your turn.
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Modifié par bridg le 13-08-2006 12:42
Please to pay attention.
Some similar topics were already opened here in the past and we had met some problems. The rule is: No ethnic's jokes, No jokes about any category of persons likely to upset them. No unrefined words/situations.Thanks a lot.

Réponse: Jokes in English de debra83, postée le 13-08-2006 à 17:57:38 (S | E)
- Hello. You seem a Good boy!
- But, I'm not a boy, I'm a dog. Don't you see?
- You aren't a dog because the dogs don't speak.
-All right, I'm not a dog. In that case, Could you withdraw my leash, please?
- Yes, of course.
- And can you remove the string around my hands?
- Yes, I can.
- Thank you sir, I'm very happy to not be a dog. Thank you and goodbye.
- Goodbye!

Five minutes later, the sheriff of the town arrives to the place.
-"Where is my prisoner? he was there ten minutes ago and he was so much drunk that I had to call an ambulance"!!!!!!!!!!

Réponse: Jokes in English de lili24771, postée le 17-08-2006 à 16:53:47 (S | E)
for your jokes Debra ;-)

Réponse: Jokes in English de flocfloc, postée le 12-09-2006 à 20:05:24 (S | E)
a boy says to his father:
"-dad,how much does it cost to get married?
-I don't know,i am still paying!"

Réponse: Jokes in English de lili24771, postée le 12-09-2006 à 20:21:47 (S | E)
;-)))))
thanks Flocfloc...it's very funny

Réponse: Jokes in English de hanaa91, postée le 12-09-2006 à 20:38:55 (S | E)
I like the jokes in English to have fun and to getit out of my chest.

Réponse: Jokes in English de woodyrun, postée le 14-09-2006 à 17:01:57 (S | E)
Hello !
A farmer and his son were both very lazy.
As they sprawled in their chairs one day, the father said :
'John, go out and see if it's raining'.
'Ah father, can't you call in the dog and see if he's wet?' answered the son.

Réponse: Jokes in English de lili24771, postée le 14-09-2006 à 18:43:31 (S | E)
Tx woodyrun!!! I hope their dog is not as lazy as their masters !!

So, I have an other joke but it was really difficult for me to translate it in english, thus, I hope that you could understand me

A man has just moving during his holidays in new house in distant suburb served by the train to go to its work.
The first day, of his return to work, the man wake up later, thus he ask to farmer (his neighbor) who has the field just near his house, if he can exceptionnaly to cross his field, to take the train of 7.25 a.m.
The farmer answer him " But certainely my good sir, thus do!" And if my bull can see you, you could take certainely the train of 6.55 a.m.

Réponse: Jokes in English de amigowhite, postée le 14-09-2006 à 19:13:12 (S | E)
hi
It's very funny.

Réponse: Jokes in English de honey46, postée le 20-09-2006 à 16:21:40 (S | E)

There's this man, ok, and his travelling across the desert, and he suddenly finds he hasn't got any water left. So his starting to get worried, and his very thirsty, but luckily, a man comes towards him on a camel.
So he said to the man, ' I'm thirsty. Have you got any water?' and the other man says, ' No, I haven't, but I've got a wonderful selectio of ties. Would you like to by one?'So the other man says, 'No , of course not!' and man rides away on his camel.
After about another hour or two, he's desperately thirsty and he sees a beautiful 5-star hotel. So he slowly goes up the steps, crying ' water! water!' and the hotel manager says, 'I'm sorry, sir, you can't come in here without tie.'

Réponse: Jokes in English de amigowhite, postée le 20-09-2006 à 19:13:13 (S | E)
A very old teacher of English asks her class this question:
_When I say "I am beautiful",which tense is it ?
One pupil anwers:
_ It's the past of course........

Réponse: Jokes in English de procupinetree, postée le 26-10-2006 à 04:00:27 (S | E)
Thank you but no jokes about any category of people
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Modifié par bridg le 01-11-2006 07:41

Réponse: Jokes in English de hotmustard, postée le 31-10-2006 à 22:51:33 (S | E)
Why are there no tablets in the jungle?
Because the parrots eat them all.

Réponse: Jokes in English de hotmustard, postée le 03-11-2006 à 18:12:40 (S | E)
are jokes about animals allowed ?
There was an English cat and a French cat and they were going to race the English Channel. The English cat was called 123 znd the French cat was called
une deux trois. Which cat lost ?
The French une deux trois cat sank.

Réponse: Jokes in English de mel83, postée le 03-11-2006 à 18:26:36 (S | E)
hi everyone,
all the jokes are so funny, i think i have something for you too..

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."…
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Réponse: Jokes in English de nanette33, postée le 03-11-2006 à 18:45:00 (S | E)

Three Ladies are in the jungle, having a cup of tea. Suddenly, an enormous monkey appears and kidnaps one of them. A Lady tells to the other one: " my dear, I really wonder what she has more than us "

Réponse: Jokes in English de sottephie, postée le 03-11-2006 à 23:51:11 (S | E)
( Nanette!)

A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client, attaching a note which said "This bill is one year old".
By return mail, the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached another note: "Happy Birthday !"

Réponse: Jokes in English de s1456, postée le 04-11-2006 à 12:35:20 (S | E)

Thanks your jokes.
It's very funny.

Réponse: Jokes in English de hotmustard, postée le 04-11-2006 à 18:10:04 (S | E)
Why did the chicken cross the road? For some fowl reason.

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Modifié par hotmustard le 04-11-2006 22:13

Réponse: Jokes in English de mamouzel14, postée le 07-11-2006 à 11:43:41 (S | E)
thank you for everybody, all the joke are funny.
Let's try one.
It was in evening party, where persons were invited to dance, a woman have choose a partner and while dancing, the man told her that he seems to be in the desert (as he was fascinate by the lady)the lady answers that she noticed that he was dancing like a camel.

Réponse: Jokes in English de hotmustard, postée le 15-11-2006 à 11:05:55 (S | E)
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer ...

Réponse: Jokes in English de hotmustard, postée le 17-11-2006 à 22:04:05 (S | E)
A man hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss.All during the dinner, the host's three-year-old girl stared at her father's boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring. The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. - He asked her, "Why are you staring at me? "-- Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet for her response.--- The little girl said, "My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I don't want to miss it! "... --

Réponse: Jokes in English de mulligan, postée le 21-11-2006 à 10:57:23 (S | E)
A little boy went to the zoo.
When he got back his mum said, "What animals did you like seeing best ?"
The boy said, "I liked the dangerous best"
His mum said, "No, Johnny, you mean kangaroos"
The boy said, "It's not you know. I saw the notice.
THESE ANIMALS ARE DANGEROUS.

Réponse: Jokes in English de mulligan, postée le 21-11-2006 à 11:15:35 (S | E)
My dad had a French car with an English horn.
What did he call that ?
An Anglo-klaxon.

I asked my uncle if he knew the best way to see flying saucers.
He said, "Yes, pinch the waitress."

Réponse: Jokes in English de helloween, postée le 21-11-2006 à 19:05:37 (S | E)
A idiot is setting many potato-mashers everywhere in the streets of Paris.
A man who is walking near is asking to him.
"Why are you setting potato-mashers, Sir?"
"to put to flight the giraffes, of course!"
"But, there aren't any giraffes here!"
"Sure, I have set many potato-mashers!"
Helloween

Réponse: Jokes in English de mulligan, postée le 21-11-2006 à 19:11:30 (S | E)
Sherlock at which school did you combine when you were young ?
Elementary, my dear Watson !

Réponse: Jokes in English de amigowhite, postée le 21-11-2006 à 19:27:03 (S | E)
Hello everybody
A smile is the best thing we can offer to others,so thanks for all.
A couple was walking in the street the suddenly he found a penguin .The woman asked what they could do with it,her husband answered that they could ask a policeman.This latter said:
Well.you can take him to the zoo.

Two days later,the policeman met them in the street with the penguin.
He said:
I told you to take it to the zoo.
The woman answered:
Yes,we did we took him to the zoo,to the muSeum and tonight we are going to take it to the restaurant.

What a lucky penguin..........

Réponse: Jokes in English de mulligan, postée le 29-11-2006 à 09:47:48 (S | E)
John went to work for a vet. The vet said, "Look in that lion's mouth."
John said, "How do I do that ?"
The vet answered, "Carefully".

Réponse: Jokes in English de magstmarc, postée le 29-11-2006 à 16:10:54 (S | E)
I sure had a lot of fun reading all these jokes !
Here's mine :

Three old guys are out walking.
The first one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
The second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
The third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

Réponse: Jokes in English de pyan, postée le 01-12-2006 à 19:09:32 (S | E)
A true football fan
A young man was watching football. He noticed an empty seat in front of him. It was a better seat than his. At half-time he went down to the empty seat. He asked the old man sitting next to the empty one “Is it OK if I sit here?”

“No problem,” said the old man. “It was my wife’s seat, but she’s dead. We’ve been to every home match together for 40 years, and always had these two seats.”

A tear rolled down the old man’s cheek.

“Don’t you have a friend, or someone from your family, who’d come with you?” the young man asked, gently.

The old man wiped his eyes and said “Yes, but not today. They are all at my wife’s funeral.”

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