CURRENT EDITION: June, 29th 2001

(1) Queen's finances exposed for the first time

Most newspapers today give considerable space to the first-ever
breakdown of the Royal finances, issued yesterday [Thursday] by Sir Michael Peat, the man responsible for the Royal accounts. THE TIMES's headline reflects the cutbacks that the accounts reveal: 'Royals join the economy class'. The paper's story notes that 'the Queen's determination to be seen to be thrifty was reflected in the first ever annual breakdown of the part of her expenditure that is met from public funds...The report showed that the cost of maintaining the Royal Family went down from 38 million pounds to 35 million pounds last year.' The figures show that the Royal Family's travel arrangements are still costing a vast amount, even though the TIMES reports that the Royal Family's publicly funded annual travel bill has been cut by 3 million pounds. The Royal Family performed around 3,000 official engagements last year, with air and rail travel costing 5,368,000 pounds - still, substantially down from 8,565,000 in 1999-2000.

THE DAILY TELEGRAPH is rather taken aback at the manner in which Sir Michael Peat, the Queen's Keeper of the Privy Purse, chose to illustrate the savings to the world's press: he invited a dozen journalists to a pair of industrial heating units deep in the bowels of Buckingham Palace. 'So it was that 12 journalists, invited to this unique financial briefing yesterday, found themselves staring at two grey tubular contraptions,' the TELEGRAPH notes. 'Against a backdrop of hissing and alarming clanking, Sir Michael, the man in charge of Royal finances, described the energy efficient capabilities of these, his prized combined heat and power units.' Although some of his innovations
may not have found favour with the old guard, the paper adds, Sir
Michael 'is dedicated to his aim of making the Royal Family's finances as transparent as possible'. Even the republican GUARDIAN appeared to be impressed by Buckingham Palace's attempt to 'prove the Queen's value to the nation', and noted that 'she was contributing more than ever to the Treasury'. The paper quoted an unnamed senior Royal official: 'We are trying to make the royal finances as clear and comprehensible as possible. No one else publishes what their travel expenditure is for every journey undertaken. We are ahead of the game in terms of
financial discipline and accountability.'

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(2) Royal State Occasion collides with Royal Social Season

The major Royal story earlier this month was the Queen's Speech after the new Parliament convened, following the Labour Party's election victory on June 7. The delayed General Election resulted in an unique clash of appointments for the Queen, which many papers commented on. The State Opening of Parliament coincided with Wednesday's Royal Ascot race meeting at which the Queen had a horse running (it won). All the papers reported the Queen's remarkable quick-change act from Scene 1: Crowned State Opening of Parliament, to Scene 2: The Royal Enclosure at
Ascot Racecourse. It entailed five changes of clothes. The more
republican newspapers were quick to disparage the Queen's enjoyment of racing. But the tabloid DAILY MAIL called the Government to account for not recognising horseracing as the people's sport and Royal Ascot as
'the People's party'. 'Tony [Blair] should have been at the races', the paper headlined; it noted that since Labour came to power, more than one million people had attended the annual Royal Ascot meeting, but not a single Government minister had touched it. Lambasting Labour's outdated prejudices toward 'one of the greatest sporting events in the British calender', the paper pointed out that 'Royal Ascot is not all toffs and top hats' and emphasised that racing 'generates hundreds of millions of pounds and employs thousands of people'. Beyond the racing, the Queen's attention was caught by some cross-dressing guests. The MAIL reported that the Queen did a double-take in the Paddock when she came across this year's contingent, who are making Ascot Wednesday
their own. 'It's like our works outing. We come every year and it's
nice to dress up,' Sarah, 6ft 3in transvestite in Eliza Dolittle garb,
told the MAIL. So why didn't they come on Ladies' Day Thursday Gold Cup Day], the MAIL asked. 'We don't want to upstage the ladies,' explained a chap in a ballgown.

The TELEGRAPH was worried about the news that traces of cocaine were allegedly found in the Royal Enclosure's restrooms. The EVENING STANDARD had taken swabs of white powder from a number of racecourse restrooms and sent them for analysis. Four out of seven tested positive for cocaine, including that from the Royal Enclosure, used by the Royal Family and British and foreign guests. The TELEGRAPH noted that security had been stepped up at Ascot after seven people were arrested
for drug offences last year. 'All staff are being briefed on what to
look out for,' Douglas Erskine-Crum, the chief executive of Ascot
Racecourse' told the paper. 'The image of sporting and leisure events is bound to be tarnished when this happens. It is not the first time it has happened at Ascot and other events. Drug-taking is fairly symptomatic of all major sporting events these days and is perhaps a reflection on society as a whole.' The paper reported that police were viewing closed-circuit video film of spectators for evidence of drug abuse. Course officials later said that anybody convicted of possessing drugs at the meeting would be banned from Ascot for life.

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(3) Poisonous spiders found at Windsor Castle...

A nest of unsavoury looking spiders was discovered within Royal
environs of Windsor Castle earlier in the month. London's EVENING
STANDARD led with the story which was elaborated on elsewhere the
following day: 'Poison Spiders invade Windsor Castle' was its headline.
The creatures apparently scared the pants off workmen, who discovered
the 9cm-span black and red spiders down a manhole. They were checking cables running under Windsor Castle and the Queen Mother's adjacent weekend residence, the Royal Lodge. The paper quoted entomologist Graham Smith, who was brought in check the risk: 'The creatures can attack and will not be repelled by conventional means.' Warming to the spiders, as only an entomologist can do, Mr Smith continued: 'It's an extremely exciting find because they are probably a new species or a species that we thought had been extinct in this country for thousands of years.' He continued: 'Who knows how long these spiders have been in the Royal park, because they live under-ground. There could be literally thousands and thousands of them. It would be no surprise if they are living underneath Windsor Castle itself.' The Royal Household was warned by Mr Smith: 'In the meantime, it is no good trying to fumigate the area. All that will do is force them out into a wider
area.' As a conservationist, the Duke of Edinburgh was doubtless delighted to be told, however, that the hairy legged aggressive creatures now resident beneath the castle walls 'will probably be a protected species'.

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(4) ...and poisonous drinks served at a Royal party

The tabloid NEWS OF THE WORLD, which recently orchestrated the
'Sophiegate' sting against the Countess of Wessex, found poison in a
bottle at Clarence House, the Queen Mother's official London residence.
An exclusive report described the near catastrophe at a VIP reception
hosted by the Queen Mother following the Trooping of the Colour
ceremony two weeks ago. Two guests collapsed before her eyes after
topping up their whisky drinks from a proprietary soda bottle which
contained transparent stain solvents; the guests were rushed to St
Thomas's Hospital. What they thought was soda water was dry-cleaning
fluid kept by the Queen Mother's staff in a screw-top Schweppes bottle.
A family friend who was present is quoted: 'It isn't marked because
usually only her staff would have access to it and they know what's in
it. Somehow it got onto a table. It was a horrible accident.' The guest
continued: 'One guest said his drink tasted strange then collapsed
right in front of the Queen Mother. She had her glass virtually to her
lips. When someone sniffed the glass the guest had dropped people put
two and two together and called for medical help. Given the
circumstances, they were both very understanding.' The friend noted:
'They could have been killed or very seriously injured.' The paper
identified the liquid as perchloroethylene, which can be fatal if taken
internally, and noted that the Queen mother had apologised to the
guests and that 'her whole household has been reprimanded severely'.

PLUS...

--A close friend of the late Princess of Wales, heart surgeon Hasnat
Khan, has lashed out at the 'Diana industry' in the tabloid SUNDAY
MIRROR, in a story headlined 'It makes me angry to see so many cashing
in on my Diana'. He said: 'These people who talk about Diana in books
and TV shows say they are doing it to set the record straight. But that
is absolute rubbish... It is all about making money and that is what
these people are doing.' He continued: 'People must learn to think
about Prince William and Prince Harry's feelings. They are growing
young men who have lost their mother, and re-examining her life and
what happened cannot help them.'

--Prime Minister Tony Blair's announcement of a low-key programme of
events for the Queen's Golden Jubilee drew the ire of the royalist
DAILY MAIL. In a written statement to Parliament, the PM gave new
details of the forthcoming celebrations (full details in the July
edition of THE ROYAL REPORT), including a three-month tour of Britain
by the Queen and her Consort, the Duke of Edinburgh. He emphasised that celebrations would be low key. 'Why not a high-key Royal knees-up?,' asked the MAIL. 'This is the only Golden Jubilee any of us are likely to see. What's wrong with being high-key for a change?' The TELEGRAPH, however, commented in a leading article that, like most of her generation, the Queen is frugal; she wants 'no undue expenditure from
public funds'. Rather than state-ordained pomp and circumstance, she
prefers the spontaneous manifestations of affection that marked her
Silver Jubilee. The republican INDEPENDENT reported that the Jubilee
celebrations will be overseen in Government by the Junior Minister for
Culture (and Tourism), Kim Howells. The paper noted that Howells
famously described the Royal family as 'bonkers' earlier this year.